Trip to Yesteryear

When I was in school I barely watched any TV because I found it to be boring, and quite frankly, and incredible waste of time. Now that I'm out of school it is a totally different story. When I'm at home I'm either watching TV or listening to music whilst completing other tasks that may be at hand. Thank goodness for digital cable, because lately I've been watching a lot of independent films and documentaries. After the huge wall that I'd built around my heart, I'm amazed at how quickly it comes crashing down. How I yearn to reach out to the subjects of these documentaries and hold them - to let them cry on my shoulder while I whisper reassurances in a language completely foreign to their own. My heart breaks for them, and in turn, I forget about the little pains that I suffer and strive for a bigger purpose.

Yesterday at the grocery store I ran into my kindergarten teacher. It was beautiful, because as I turned around she saw my face and recognzed me immediately, as did I. The hug that she gave me felt the same as it did when I was five. We chatted for a bit and she revealed to me that she and her husband were going to be celebrating their forty-first anniversary next month. She also visits retirement homes every week to read (and act out) stories to the elderly. I dare not guess how old she may be, because she looked amazing. Her eyes were so expressive as was her entire being. She explained to me what she had been doing with herself all these years and I felt a warm aura from her. Warm, yet brilliantly colorful an d bursting with energy. I honestly wanted to cry because as I listened to her stories, I realized that she still had a burning passion for life. She loves life and gives her all to whatever she may be doing at the time. When people reach the elderly years of their life, many of them become sad and bitter. It pains me to see that. What pains me even more is to see that this woman who has already lived quite a full life still holds a burning candle to each day while I, a woman who has yet to reach my prime, have given up so many times. I'd conceded to defeat and accepted the fact that I am simply inadequate in many ways. But no more. After seeing her and realizing that she still knew my face and name after all these years, I can see that perhaps I am worthwhile. That I have more hardships to go through and many more tears to cry, but I'll get there. As a teacher she has touched the lives of hundreds, maybe even thousands, from the very beginning. By reading and interacting with the retirement community, she is still touching their lives. She affects these people from both ends of the spectrum. I have so much respect and admiration for her.

So no, now is not the time to be giving up. Now is not the time to quit. Now is the time to blast full speed ahead and make something of myself. I'm not leaving this life without having made my mark, first. To leave a loving legacy in my wake...I think that's my ultimate dream. Yes, I'll keep dreaming.

Currently Listening Love By Mika Nakashima see related

So Surreal

It's been about a month and a half since I've updated. I look back on that time and I remember staring at my Xanga page thinking, 'There's really nothing worth sharing - nothing worth writing about.' I see now just how wrong I was. Thursday I moved out of the dorms and back home. It was such an odd, practically surreal, experience. As I packed the last of my trinkets into bags and boxes I looked around that empty room. The long blue & white striped mattress. Without any sort of bedding adorning its surface it played a quite striking resemblence to what I would think an asylum mattress would look like. Every wall was bare. The armoir empty. Desk completely clear. I hesistated to unplug and pack up my printer and laptop. I looked at these last two items and sighed. I had only been there since January 23, but so much had happened sinced that time. So many new experiences. How could I just leave without feeling any sort of attachment? The baggage cart was full as I went down to the front desk to turn in my keys. It all felt so wrong. For the past three and a half months I was forced to change the way I lived. I grew a bit. There was a sense of safe freedom that blanketed my being. Now that I was going back home, I felt like I was going to have to start over. In a way, I still feel like that.

On June 21 I will be turning 19. I honestly don't know what I have to show for it. So many of the people I know are overacheivers. They made the grades, traveled the world over, and have strong relationships in which they are romantically committed. I, on the other hand, have made somewhat exemplory grades, traveled a bit, and am a strong, faithful friend. I always said that I don't need a man to justify and validate my existence. Still, it would be comforting to know that there was someone who truly needed me. I went to college thinking that instead of silly high school boys playing silly high school games I could find a man who knew where he was in life and was done playing the field. Oh boy, was I wrong. The game is more frivolous and intense because with that inch of freedom that they receive, they take it a mile. Sex, drugs, alcohol - I'd never been so exposed to it. I'd never been so turned off by it. It seems that for now I'll have to be happy with myself and just myself. I have a handful of wonderful friends and a loving family. Perhaps someday I can grow and learn to love myself for who and what I am. I'm hoping to use his summer and improve on the things I am so desperately insecure about. Perhaps I shall return to school in the fall a new me. A better me. Yes, that would be wonderful.

For the first time in a long time, I can see the silver lining on the cloud ahead of me. I've finally thought things through, and it's all going to work out. After all the lies, the pain, the tears, I can look into the light and know that it's going to be okay.

I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Goodbye.

I thought I knew you, but you betrayed me. I wish you no ill-will. I know that it's time for me to move on. You'll keep going on without me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I know this was vapid and pointless, but I had to share with SOMEONE!